Vulnerability. So many people instinctively run from it for fear of being judged and fear of public failure. It is scary thought to present yourself to the world completely and utterly exactly as who you truly are at the core…because what if that isn’t good enough? Then what?

But perhaps an even scarier reality is the fact that vulnerability is “the birthplace of joy, creativity, of belonging, of love” (Brene Brown https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability). Isn’t that what we all really want? Joy? Belonging? Over the years in my (life coaching) work, I can say without hesitation that 90% of my clients come in and talk about a desire to make meaningful connections with others…a desire to feel a sense of true belonging…a desire to understand what pure joy feels like on a regular basis. And as we work through these feelings, the fear of being vulnerable always comes up.

It takes courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable. I know. My life story shows me that, without a doubt, when I am the most vulnerable is when I get the most hurt. BUT when I am vulnerable it is also when I feel the most joy and authentic connection in life (and there is NOTHING better than that). Is being vulnerable worth the risk? At 47 years old, I can truly say that YES – it certainly is. Even if you get hurt, you will put one foot in front of the other and you will move forward…growing and learning. Have faith in yourself that you are a brave warrior that can handle all that this world hands you – because the truth is, you really can. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable also allows you to strip yourself of the mask you wear each day to be someone you think others need/want to see. You can just be exactly who you are, feel whatever it is you feel, and lean into the present moment with the knowledge that you are doing your best and that IS enough. It takes time to peel back the layers of protection that we have buried ourselves in over the years, but the process is worth it to feel the weight removed from your shoulders, your heart, and your soul. Let yourself be seen. Love with all that you have. Stop numbing yourself with alcohol, food, etc. and let yourself experience ALL of the emotions that come.

Vulnerable people try new things, connect with strangers, and practice gratitude daily. They are kind to themselves, are great leaders, and they value relationships that have strong emotional intimacy. Vulnerable people are the ones you look at and think – I wish I could feel that happy. I wish I could let myself cry/release and then move forward like that. I wish I were brave enough to just be myself and let people see who I really am… I am here to tell you that it is TIME for you to do just that. The first step is to figure out who you are at your core. Start peeling the layers. Here are some tips to start the process…

1. Be aware of your mind chatter. When thoughts take over, ask yourself – “Is this true/factual?” If there is something that comes up over and over in your mind chatter, write it down.
2. When you notice yourself getting lost in thought, try to bring yourself back to the present moment. Feel your feet on the ground. Notice your breath.
3. Start a gratitude journal. List 3 to 5 things a day that you experienced/noticed that brought you joy. Take note of things that make you smile each day.
4. Think about your childhood. What used to make your feel pure happiness?
5. Ask yourself with whom do you need to “fake it” each day? Why do you have to put up a front for this person (or people)? What would happen if you decided to just be authentically you? Are you playing a game with anyone in life? Ask yourself why?? Is it worth it?
6. Let yourself FEEL all of your feelings. If you feel sad, let yourself feel sad and try to understand where that sadness is coming from. If you are anxious, don’t mask it by running around all day keeping busy. Stop. Breathe. Feel it. Let your inner voice tell you where the anxiety is routed. If you never stop to listen to your body, you will never understand why certain things trigger various waves of emotion.
7. Believe that you truly are ENOUGH. Exactly as you are…
8. Slow down. Give yourself a pocket of time each day to just BE. I am not saying you have to meditate…but I AM saying to pretty much sit and do nothing for at least 5 – 10 minutes a day. Listen to that voice within. Journal if you feel so inclined. But don’t watch TV, read, clean, etc. Just BE. Give yourself that gift. It will help you to understand your own needs/wants better. It will help you to remember who you truly are. It will force you to face the feelings you hide from each day. And it will bring you back to your authentic self…
9. Once you are more in touch with who are actually are, you can start showing the world that (magnificent) person you are. You can begin to be more vulnerable, and, in turn, you will start to feel that spark of joy, creativity, belonging and love more often.

The problem with labels…

One of the first “assignments” I give to my Mindfulness clients is to write out their own tombstone in three sentences or less. The catch is they cannot use any labels. The tombstone can’t say MOM, WIFE, TEACHER, ENTREPRENEUR, COACH, NURSE, etc… My clients are asked to reflect on how they want to be remembered as a human being – who are they at their core. (It is not as easy as you might think. Give it a try!) The purpose of this exercise is to start to evaluate who want to be and how you can better live that version of yourself. You can’t start living your best life if you don’t know what it looks like! The tombstone is the foundation of your personal mission statement. Of course this is only the start to the process, but it is a powerful start nonetheless.

 

So why no labels? When you label yourself AS something, you are defining yourself completely as that thing. In the moment, it might make total sense to do that. Perhaps for many, many years it will work…but one day it won’t. And then you feel like are you are failing. When you identify yourself as the person you are at your core (defining traits), you can be assured that you will always align with that and there is no risk of failure. It IS who you are…bottom line. Some days you will be better at living your best life aligned with those core traits than others, but they are always there because it is the essence of you. It sets you up to always know that you ARE ENOUGH just as you are. And on the flip side, labels set you up to feel inadequate many days – because the ebb and flow of daily life is such that sometimes shit gets real and your “job/label” is freaking hard.

 

For years, I defined myself as a mom and a teacher. After hours and hours of intensive course work and studying, I realized that I should NOT label myself as such…but I still do at times. And it doesn’t serve me. I can’t tell you how many times I have uttered these words… “There are two things that I know with certainty that I am good at in life – and those are being a mom and being a teacher.” Now that is all well and good to feel confident in those areas of my life, but what happens when things get hard? Well, I can tell you what happens. You break. You feel inadequate. You feel shame. You feel frustrated.

 

I will never forget saying those exact words to my child’s kindergarten teacher. I was explaining why the recent struggles with expressing  big emotions in an appropriate way were making me crazy. Ultimately I was telling the teacher that I felt like I was failing (at the ONE thing I pride myself at being good at…). I was there to talk about helping my child deal with (very normal) kindergarten behavior issues, and instead I couldn’t get out of my head that I had somehow caused this and had screwed up. I was doing EXACTLY what I tell my clients NOT to do. I was internalizing it. I was looking to find blame. I was getting caught up in my own mind chatter. And because I have labeled myself as a “good mom”, I was deflating within feeling like I was a failing…and ultimately not good enough.

 

Stepping back from all of this, I realize what I was doing and I know it is ridiculous. Thankfully I have enough of a grip on my Mindfulness practice and my own emotions that I was able to see past the EGO talking and realize exactly what I was doing. That said, it is NOT easy. I realize that even now I need to do some focused work on removing these labels and understanding that I don’t always need to know how to fix things for my kids (and that is okay). If we can try to remove the labels we place on ourselves (and others), we are taking a step in the right direction!!!

 

My Tombstone: She was patient, kind, authentic, and truly knew how to live in the moment. She laughed with her whole soul, danced when the music moved her, and loved with her whole heart. She dedicated her days to living life on purpose with fulfillment and joy.

You can be happy. Regardless of your life situation in the NOW, you truly can feel happiness. I am not suggesting that in the worst of the worst situations you can do something to change that reality and that horrible feeling that may be crushing your heart – but I AM suggesting that in those situations, you can keep breathing, take stock of your life, and find moments to feel happy. I know this because I have watched my 46 cousin navigate her new reality of life over these past few years. Her husband was tragically hit and killed while riding his bicycle, ripping her soul-mate and best friend out of her life – but she takes life day by day and (sometimes with desperation) finds moments that make her feel happiness. With determination – for herself, her children, and the memory of her husband – she knows that experiencing moments of happiness is essential. Life can sometimes seem so cruel. We all see examples of what seem like impossible situations all of the time. Most of us are fortunate enough to not be standing knee deep in sadness. But even in those darkest of times, happiness can be found. So I will say it again. You CAN be happy. Regardless of your current life reality, you too can find your smile.

I have read so many self help books, listened to so many podcasts, and watched my mentors inspire me with their daily lives…and from all of that, I have created a list of things that I truly believe are keys to genuinely being happy.

 

1. Live in the moment. Be in the now. It is so hard for many people to truly live in whatever moment they are in. We have become creatures of habit – multitasking and spinning through life. We feel guilt and sadness about things of the past, and we worry with anxious minds about what the future will bring. But these feelings are NOT rooted in the actual moment. Be wherever you are. Take notice of the good around you. Try not to let your mind dwell in the past OR the future. Don’t let the days pass you by while your mind creates a reality for you that is not based in the truth of your current reality. This is the basis of all that I do with my clients. Understanding how to live a mindful life and truly living it each day takes practice…but it is so worth it.
2. Remember that often times it is better to be loving than to be right. Choose your battles. My stepfather gave me this very valuable advice a long time ago. Always lead with compassion. When you are dealing with loved ones, sometimes it is better to just let things go. Of course, there is certainly a time for a battle and a time to speak (or yell) your truth…but be mindful of when and how you do that. Relationships are what makes life worth living. True connections are everything.
3. Be a spectator of your own thoughts. Be very aware of where your thoughts take you and how they make you feel. I used to be terrible about this. I would let myself get caught up in regrets or mistakes from the past, and suddenly my body would feel like I was living that experience all over again. Same thing with worries about the future. I would get myself all caught up with what might happen and suddenly I was so anxious about things that often NEVER EVEN HAPPENED! Did you know that you can control this mind chatter? It is possible. With practice and time, you can observe those thoughts and let them pass through…rather than letting them take a hold of your heart as we often do. The first step is, though, to be a spectator of your thoughts. See if you can identify what is triggering you. Getting some clarity on those triggers is important.
4. Be grateful for at least one thing every single day. Gratitude is the root of happiness. “The real gift of gratitude is that the more grateful you are, the more present you become,” (Robert Holden). I keep a gratitude journal daily. I simply bullet things about the day that I am grateful for. It is such a powerful tool. In my 20s, during a very difficult time when therapy wasn’t helping me and drinking heavily wasn’t serving me…I took a chance on keeping a gratitude journal when someone claimed it had changed their life. Looking back at that time and on how my journey into gratitude began, I can’t help but wonder if it literally saved my life. Try it. Take a month and commit to keeping a gratitude journal. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time. You can just jot down three to five things each day that you feel grateful for. I can guarantee you that once you get into the habit of doing it, you will find yourself more “awake” to the amazing things surrounding you each day.
5. Write down what you really, really want in life. The power of writing things down is huge! Ask yourself what one thing you can do TODAY to align your life more with what your heart desires it to be. Little changes/shifts can make a really big difference in everyday life. What is your legacy? How do you want to be remembered? Are you living a life that reflects that?
6. Be of service to others. You don’t have to dedicate a ton of time to make a significant difference in the lives of others. Don’t worry if you don’t have the time/energy/etc. to sign up for some huge volunteering opportunity. You can do little things each day that will help others. Living your life with love and compassion will allow you to serve others without you even realizing it! Your genuine smile can shift someone’s entire day. Holding the door for someone seems so simple…but may be just the act of kindness that that person desperately needed in that moment. Asking someone how they are and then actually looking and them and listening to their answer with a caring and open heart can be extremely powerful. (Sadly, that doesn’t happen all that often anymore.) Not too long ago, my father found himself traveling to a senior living facility each week to spend time with a lady in her 90s that he crossed paths with years before. To my dad, it was a nice time to share space, chat, and enjoy some laughter…but to this woman (who didn’t get many visitors anymore) – his visits were EVERYTHING. I’m actually not sure that he even realizes the impact he had on her life. I do know, however, how happy the time he shared with her made him feel! Be the person that slows down enough to really see and hear others… Be the person that takes that extra second to show those around you that you see them and you appreciate them. It will both serve them AND you as you continue this journey of life.

 

So many moments seem to just exist to deliver you to the ones that follow. Too often we get lost in that idea without realizing that THIS MOMENT is a destination in and of itself! Try to live in the moment, take gentle care of your relationships, be aware of your mind chatter, be grateful every day, get clarity on what you really want in life, and remember to live your life with compassion… “Happiness is an INSIDE job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life,” (Mandy Hale). You are in charge of your happiness each day. You got this.

 

 

Thoughts, like our emotions, tend to arise without any effort or conscious intention. Thoughts will often pop into our minds and end up taking on a life of their own. One minute we can be happily enjoying a coffee with friends, and the next minute we can be lost in a bombardment of destructive thought patterns.

This used to happen to me all the time. Thinking back, it is amazing to me just how wound up I allowed myself to get. Sometimes I would get lost in thoughts about the past and the feelings/emotions attached to those memories would take me over…I would feel anger, or sadness, or guilt ALL OVER AGAIN about something that had already happened. About something that I could never change…but I would allow my mind to take me there and feel that pain over and over. Have you ever done this? If you are being straight with me, you are shaking your head yes. Of course. We have all done this.

Here is the reality. I have some sh*t memories. I have made mistakes…in fact I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life. I have hurt people. People have hurt me. I have experienced the loss of family and friends. I have literally been laying on the floor unable to function…all consumed by anxiety that was rooted in (distorted) memories… things that were NOT my reality at that time. I would allow myself to get lost in thought about these past experiences, and from that my body would react as if it was my reality at that very moment. I have allowed memories from my childhood to drive how I respond/react to things in my adult life in a very negative way. It was only when I started exploring my own limiting beliefs that I started breaking free of this. I have punished myself over and over again for bad decisions that I have made – I have let those things define me and I have, at times, convinced myself that I am not worthy of true happiness. Now that I am in a very different place in life where I value self care and I truly practice mindful living, it is such a crazy thing to remember how much I lived my life oblivious of the GOOD in the now and focused on the BAD of yesteryears. I am so grateful that I have found a way to break free from that.

It is important to understand that while we can discipline our minds to focus on more important aspects of our life, ourselves and our surroundings, we cannot prevent thoughts from entering our minds to begin with. They come from somewhere else. I have known people to end up increasing their fears or anxieties as a result of believing that who they are is a reflection of what they think. A person is separate from what a person thinks, or, as it was once said, “Man is not what he thinketh.”

Some people find that out-of-control thoughts plague their minds following a traumatic event or personal failure. Other people become tired and exhausted with the pace and rate of which their minds think. However, stopping thought in its entirety is just not possible. Learning to choose which thoughts we focus on and allow to grow, however, IS possible.

If I were to ask you to close you eyes for a moment and think about purple dancing hippos, you would most likely be able to do this. And even if you consider this a ridiculous idea, there is still a high chance that the thought of purple dancing hippos is still rattling around inside of your mind. Why? Because the seed (the idea) has been planted. It’s now up to you whether you focus on this seed or not.

The trick to becoming efficient in practicing mindfulness is not about stopping our thoughts entirely, but rather, becoming more aware of our thoughts and managing them with greater efficiency.

Mindfulness is about increasing your awareness of what is happening in the present moment and making a choice in regards to where or what you focus your attention upon.

Mindfulness does not stop thought, but it does determine what types of thinking we accept, and what kinds of thought we reject. The art of mindfulness is about mastering the ability to change or modify our habitual thought patterns or processes AS SOON AS we identify that they are no longer serving us (or others).

It is through active mindfulness that we can begin to increase our awareness of the thought patterns that dominate our minds, and what stories or meaning we are creating as a result of them. By observing our thoughts and simply being present with them, we empower ourselves to appreciate thought for what it is – just a thought!!

 

 

 

 

Have you ever read a book that has shifted something inside of you? I have a couple books that are truly at the root of who I am and who I have become over the years. One of these books is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

We are living our daily lives shackled by so many limiting beliefs that we have created over the years. If you haven’t already done some work on identifying your own limiting/mistaken beliefs, NOW is the time. You are reading this blog. You are ready to shift your life and your world for the better! It is when we face these limiting beliefs that we have agreed to (and we start to question them) that we begin to set ourselves free. It is a journey that I promise you is absolutely worth the trip! Reach out to me or another coach. Or start seeing a therapist. Or begin journaling and doing your own work at your own pace. Or buy the book The Four Agreements! Do something! Start somewhere! You are worth it. Let is take a look at what this book is about…!

Ruiz lists four agreements for us to place into action in our daily lives.

Agreement #1:

Be impeccable with your word.

We all know the power of the word. Our words can be used to express creative energy and love. Our words fuel the actions we take…which can ultimately manifest a beautiful life. Our words can also destroy everything around us. With just one word, one encounter, one bad day…we can crumble our own lives and/or those lives of the people around us. It is essential that we begin to be more aware of the power of our words.

This includes the words we say to ourselves – the mind chatter. I was just out to lunch with a dear friend and this subject came up. She is a beautiful person that has so much to offer the world, but she is afraid to OWN IT. Her mind tells her that she is not enough, and she listens. Through our conversation, she ventured back to some memories of her childhood that have affected every part of her current reality. This idea of “not good enough” has been a black cloud floating over her head since the time she was a child. We talked about how she must shift her perception of the NOW and understand that this limiting belief does NOT have to be a current “truth” in her world. Point being, you must be impeccable with your word EVEN toward yourself. Be aware of that mind chatter. Notice how you talk to yourself. Are you knocking yourself down, or building yourself up? “How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word,” (Ruiz 44).

Gossip is poison. If the human mind was a computer, gossip would be a computer virus. One little piece of misinformation can break down communication between people, causing every person it touches to be infected and contagious! And is it worth it? The human race as a whole is starting to understand that everything we say and do comes from who WE are on the inside (not what is happening around us on the outside) – and that our actions and words are a reflection of our own true selves. Don’t own that negative energy of gossip and allow it to reflect back to you. Gossiping is a waste of your time/energy/love. Put out what you want to come back to you.

Be impeccable with your word. Be aware of the words you speak to your children. Know that they are listening and creating their own ‘book of truths’ for life and will inevitably be adopting their own limiting beliefs as they navigate each day. Support your children by carefully choosing your words. Guide them. Build them up. Be mindful of how you speak to them and of the messages you are sending. Model for them what it means to be impeccable with your word.

Imagine the life you could create if you were impeccable with your word. You could transcend the illusion of fear and live in the reality of truth, knowing with certainty that you have no words to regret, and only love to give out.

Let’s pause for a second here – I know it is impossible to ALWAYS be impeccable with your word! I only suggest you are aware of this and you try to put it into play! And when you must throw down with some cold, hard words of negativity in your current reality – do it with caution and with someone you trust!

 

Agreement #2:

Don’t take anything personally.

This one has proven to be hard for me! I have lived a long life of internalizing everything and taking things personally. When I first read this book years ago, I shook my head through this whole chapter wondering if I would ever be able to live this new agreement. I can’t say I never take things personally because sometimes I definitely do, but between this book and my knowledge gained from mindfulness and perspective work, I am much more aware and in control of this in my life. It is really freeing to finally realize that nothing other people do is because of you! What people say and do aligns with the beliefs they have created in their own lives throughout the years. Don’t let other people’s poison seep into your heart. Often times, what you perceive as someone doing something negative toward you, ends up being something that has literally nothing to do with you. (More on this in the next agreement.) The bottom line is you need to only trust yourself, and stop taking everything so personally!

 

Agreement #3:

Don’t make assumptions.

When we make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take things personally, and we create drama! “The human mind creates a lot of chaos which causes us to misinterpret and misunderstand everything. We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. We don’t perceive things the way they are. We have the habit of dreaming with no basis in reality,” (65). We cannot continue to make the farfetched assumptions that lead us into a tailspin all too often. How do we stop it, though? We must find the courage to just ASK THE QUESTIONS! If it matters enough to you that it has gotten into your head and you find yourself making assumptions…STOP. Be aware. Take a breath. And just ask the question! If you don’t care enough to ask and get the truth, do NOT take things personally – just move on! Let it go! Making assumptions is a harmful habit that will only add stress to your life.

 

Agreement #4:

Always do your best.

In your everyday life, your best will change…sometimes from day to day, and sometimes even from moment to moment. Your best will also change over time. And that is OKAY as long as you are doing your best in any given moment. As you build the habit of practicing these four new agreements in life, your best will become better than it used to be.

When you try to do more than your best, you will deplete your body and go against yourself – which will undoubtedly make achieving your desired goal take longer. If you do less than your best, you will fall into self judgment, regret, and guilt. Just do your best.

Mindfulness goes hand in hand with doing your best in life. When you focus on present moment, the beautiful NOW, and you accept that you are doing your best…that feeling of fulfillment and overall contentment is easier to reach.

We don’t need to prove anything to anyone. We just need to be in the moment, taking risks, enjoying life, and listening to our authentic self. We should say no when we want to say no…and say yes when we want to say yes.

It has been well over ten years since I first read Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. I have gifted it to countless friends and family members. I really believe in the power of its message. I re-read it every year as I find the reminder comforting and necessary. See if you can commit to following these agreements for a full week. Leave yourself reminders and notes around your home. Live it. See if anything happens. See if you feel a shift within. Remember, empowerment comes via responsibility. Take responsibility for your days. Take responsibility for your happiness.

Have the courage to just be exactly who you are. Be mindful of the way you use your words. Be gentle on yourself and try not to take things personally. Ask questions when you are uneasy/uncertain instead of making assumptions that are almost always untrue. Do your best. Just be you.

“If you risk nothing, you risk everything.” This is a quote that I have lived by for as long as I can remember, but at this stage of my life – I am realizing that it wasn’t always for the right reasons…

When I was in high school, I was a bit of a mess. Many would say that most teenage girls are a hot mess, but I can’t help but think that I was on the more intense side of that! I was an excellent actress though; always with a smile plastered across my face. One of my high school Social Studies teachers nicknamed me “Smiley” – boy was I proud of that. I would go to great lengths to make others feel that I was happy and put together when I was struggling and often sad.

I masked my truth through taking risks. I would do pretty much anything to gain the admiration of pretty much anyone. I craved short-term approval and devoured any attention that made me feel worthy. I would laugh and say something about being a risk taker and adventurer, and go on my way. I spread myself thin as far as friends went…trying to spread kindness in hopes of approval and acceptance from everyone…but in doing so, I didn’t make the deeper connections/friendships that so many others did. My friendships and connections were shallow. This left me feeling alone a lot of the time. I was “liked” by most people in high school – I was even voted senior prom queen – but I wasn’t invited to the exclusive friend vacations, concerts, parties, etc. because I wasn’t part of anyone’s “core” group/central clique. This did not bode well for my already low self-esteem. And so I would try to get attention and approval by being the “wild” one. My high school yearbook highlights me as being voted “most daring”…and at this stage of my life, I can’t help but shake my head a little at that. If only I knew then what I know now…

I am still a risk taker and adventurer, but now the motivation is for very different reasons. One of my many coaches/teachers, Kain Ramsey, presented me with something called the Wise Mind Model which was so eye opening for me. He explained that, “The mind has three states: The Reasonable Mind, the Emotional Mind, and the Wise Mind. We all possess each of these states, but the majority of people operate in a specific one most of the time.”

An individual uses their Reasonable Mind when approaching a situation intellectually. They plan ahead and make decisions based on the facts. The Emotional Mind is used when feelings control an individual’s thoughts and behaviors. They may act impulsively and give little consideration to the consequences. The Wise Mind is the balance between the Reasonable Mind and the Emotional Mind. This is where an individual recognizes and respects their feelings, but they are able to respond to them rationally.

When I let that information seep in the first time I saw it, I was floored by the realization that I have lived almost my entire life in the Emotional Mind. Back in high school, the Emotional Mind led me so intensely. To say I was impulsive is an understatement. After some therapy and soul searching in college, I shifted to someone that wanted to be “real” and true to my heart. For many years, I have been proud of how in-tune I am with my own emotions/feelings (heart) …BUT I let this inner “heart wisdom” guide me completely as I navigated my adult life…and looking back, that wasn’t always all that healthy either!!! I thought that I was finally acknowledging the “truth” of my authentic self by always acting through this Emotional Mind that was directly linked to my heart/soul, rather than really understanding the balance between reason and emotion. Through focused meditations, mindfulness, and journaling, I am finally approaching my days more in the Wise Mind. I will not “fake it” anymore to present to the world as perfect, nor will I lead with only my emotions in attempt to stay true to my heart. I know now that there really is a balance, and that I am staying MORE true to my heart when I consider my overall well-being and the long term affects of my decisions.

I would challenge you to think about your own life. What “mind” would you say you typically approach your days in? Does it serve you? How might you start to balance out the Emotional Mind and the Rational Mind to live more in that Wise Mind mode? I would also ask you to consider this – what kind of person were you in your younger years and how have YOU changed? Where do you feel you still need to grow?

 

I am about to ask you to do something that might make you feel uncomfortable. Something that (if you really do it) will likely shift your perspective on what (or WHO) you focus on in life.  This idea is something that is obvious and something that your heart already knows all about, but it is a practice/exercise we don’t often visit (or revisit) and from that adjust accordingly…

Think about your current circle of friends. Who do you talk to and see the most? Really visualize each person. Hear them talking to you. What kinds of things do these friends typically chat with you about? Notice their facial expressions and body language. Take note of the energy they give off. When you are talking, do they look at you and actually listen? Ask yourself – is this person truly adding to the quality of my life? Is this person reflecting the kind of person I would like to think that I am? How hard am I working to make this friendship work? (It would be even better if you can jot down names and then reflect on these questions in writing.) Are you surprised by the TRUTH of any of the answers that come to you?

Here is the reality. The quality of our lives is determined by the quality of relationships that we keep. You must choose your friends wisely. Other people’s moods, personality traits, and overall energy really do rub off on those they spend time with. We need to really assess the company we keep and proactively surround ourselves with those that motivate and inspire us, support us unconditionally, and lift us up. I know you know all of this. People post friendship quotes on social media all of the time, and rave about the tribe they have created…and that is a beautiful thing!  All is ask is that you take a close look at that tribe on a regular basis and make sure it matches up with your core self. We all grew up hearing people tell us that we are associated with the group we hang out with whether or not we partake in all of their activities. That is true as adults too; but even more importantly, the people we surround ourselves with directly determines the kind of life we live.

Have you read Maria Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up? It is a great book and reminder that we need to be mindful of our physical surroundings just as we need to be mindful of our inner well being. One of the big ideas in this book is to hold objects in your hands and ask yourself/your heart if it sparks JOY. If it doesn’t, it needs to go. I would challenge you to think about the relationships you have in your life and apply this same concept. Who in your life sparks JOY? Those are the individuals that you should be spending your days with!!

Do you have friends that constantly complain? What about friends that can’t get through a conversation without putting someone else down? Or how about the friends that talk and talk and talk and talk and hardly ever take time to listen to you?! Are those the kind of people you want to be with?

What about the friends that don’t put any effort into maintaining the friendship? The ones that never text back, or rarely reach out first, or struggle to follow through on plans to actually see you? Do you have any friends like that? Have these individuals ever hurt your feelings? Are you left questioning yourself – wondering if you did something that offended them, or if they are upset about something? (I would venture to guess that almost always the answer is it is NOT about you and your shouldn’t take it personally…but that is for another blog entry haha!) Are you comfortable enough in the friendship to talk about how you feel? Ask yourself if these people bring you more joy or more worry…

I have always been someone that has tried to be friends with as many people as possible. I want everyone to like me, and when I think someone doesn’t like me…it truly hurts my heart. Growing up I was taught to always be kind and pleasing…and, in truth, I took that to an unhealthy level. Kindness always, of course, but trying to please and appease everyone hasn’t served me. I want connections in life…to me, connecting with someone else’s heart is EVERYTHING, but not to the detriment of my core values or my ability to take care of myself/my mind/my spirit. Recently I started to really see the gift in cultivating the friendships that I know are authentic and fulfilling, and slowly setting free some of the relationships that don’t mirror who I want to be in life. I am surrounding myself with people that value the present moment, that value who I am and how I am feeling, the people that take time to truly listen after they have asked how I am, the people that are genuinely excited for me when I tell them that I am diving head first into a passion project that is feeding every part of my soul…THOSE are my people. I’m not a champion at small talk anymore. I want real conversations. I want to hear the stories that make people tick. I want to just BE ME and know that the friends I have chosen to share life with will love and accept me no matter what. And you know what, it feels amazing.

I believe that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. I am so grateful for all of the friendships I have been so fortunate to share over my 47 years. I understand that life happens and people can’t always be the type of friends we want/need…and that is okay! I have twins and I know that in those first couple years, I was not the greatest at taking care of my friendships. But I also know that I have always had good intentions, and for those friends that had to “let me go” because I wasn’t sparking JOY for them…well, that is okay too! This, my friends, is life. Ebb and flow in all things, for sure…

Who do you give your time and energy to? Reflect on those relationships. Allow your heart to be honest. I am not suggesting you start cutting people off or ending friendships, I am simply stating that you deserve to be surrounded by people that mirror your core values. You deserve friends that you don’t always have to WORK to keep. You don’t need a group of ten or twenty or fifty friends. You need a few people that you consider YOUR PEOPLE, the friends that speak to your heart/soul and whisper (or YELL), “I see you. I value you. And I’ve got you.” Kindness first, of course…but take care of your authentic self too. And remember that the quality of our lives is determined by the quality of the relationships we keep!

Today I will start with the question so many ask – What is Mindfulness? Or perhaps I should start with what it is NOT…

So many people think living a mindful life means figuring out a way to SHUT DOWN your thoughts…to make them stop. The idea of that seems far-reaching and very difficult, and because of that perception – so many will shake their heads and explain that mindful living just isn’t who they are or it doesn’t fit into their personality type. I am here to tell you…to SHOUT at you (in the kindest way haha)…that Mindfulness does NOT mean that you shut down your thoughts. Guess what?! No one can just turn off their thoughts. That is NOT what this is about. Many people also mistakenly believe that mindful living is another way to describe having a positive attitude about life all the time. Ummm no. That also is not an accurate description of Mindfulness. Living in a mindful way does not automatically make someone calm, collected, all knowing, and happy…it just doesn’t work that way. I suppose a close look at me and my life would prove that! Ha!

 

Here is what Mindfulness is… Mindfulness is the process of questioning our assumptions and exploring a path that leads us to our own truths. It is a way to remind ourselves throughout the day to live in the moment just as it is – good, bad, or neutral. Living mindfully allows us to see and more fully experience the positive things in life AND to also fully experience those things that bring difficult feelings such as anger, sadness, anxiety etc. Mindfulness is therefore not about just ‘feeling good”, but having an increased ability to fully experience the reality of being a human being…and from that awareness we learn to be less reactive so that we can make wiser choices each day. And THAT, dear ones, helps us to live better lives, to be better parents/partners/friends, and to find and appreciate the little moments of JOY in each of our days. We must stop running from the bad feelings, and acknowledge our current reality. Living in it and understanding it will help us to work through it and move forward WITHOUT the shackles of buried negativity. (More on that in another blog for sure!)

 

Mindfulness is about gratitude, learning to breathe and be still sometimes, and removing the static from our lives/minds that is not serving us. It is about shifting our minds…realizing that we are meaning-making machines every second of every day…and taking some control of those labels and meanings that we have (for FAR too long) accepted as truths. It isn’t going to take stress or pain away, but if you practice Mindfulness – it WILL change the way in which you relate to those awkward/difficult moments in life. Mindfulness has been proven to relax the body and boost the immune system; it calms the mind and allows for better decision making; and it gives you the gift of understanding your emotions better which, in turn, enables you to manage these feelings differently.

 

Studying and practicing Mindfulness will plant that seed in your head…and without even realizing it, you will start to think about it during your days. You will begin to crave that feeling of being fully present. You will start unpacking your own damn baggage and you will begin to understand where those negative beliefs came from and HOW to make them stop torturing your mind. You will learn to pause before explosion, and assess the best response at any given time.

 

It is a better way. Trust me. I have struggled with anxiety for many years. I have buried the bad feelings only to see them erupt at different times in my life. I have tried to just fake it until I make it…and I have realized that is NOT the kind of life I want to live. I want to be authentic. I want to stay true to exactly who I am. We can ultimately only be exactly who we are, and at some point that HAS to be good enough. Let me help you to see how amazing you actually are. Let me show you how much GOOD there really is in your world. Let me help you to breathe, to slow down, and to live this mindful life.